What's"A fulfilling love life. How can I have one? How can I get the most out of sex?” University students worldwide ask these questions. As I've spoken on their campuses, I've tried to offer some practical principles because I believe both pleasure and emotional fulfillment are important facets of sex. These principles relate to teens, too. Teens of all ages.
Sex is often on our minds. According to two psychologists at the universities of Vermont and South Carolina, 95 percent of people think about sex at least once each day.(2) You might wonder, "You mean that five percent of the people don't?"
Why does sex exist?
One of the main purposes of sex is pleasure. Consider what one wise man named Solomon wrote. He said:
Drink water from your own cistern
And fresh water from your own well.
Should your springs be dispersed abroad,
Streams of water in the streets?
Let them be yours alone
And not for strangers with you.
Let your fountain be blessed,
And rejoice in the wife of your youth.
As a loving hind and a graceful doe,
Let her breasts satisfy you at all times;
Be exhilarated always with her love
~(Proverbs 5:15-19 NASB).
Solomon's ancient love sonnet, the "Song of Solomon," is one of the best sex manuals ever written and traces the beauty of a sexual relationship in marriage. It gets pretty hot and juicy, so be careful where you are when you read it. (Would it surprise you to know that it's in the Bible?)
Another purpose of sex is to develop oneness or unity. "For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh"(Genesis 2:24 NASB).
A third purpose for sex is procreation. That, of course, is how we all got here.
How to Have a Most Fulfilling Love Life
One way not to have a fulfilling love life is to concentrate solely on sexual technique. There is certainly nothing wrong with learning sexual technique -- especially the basics -- but technique by itself is not the answer.
The qualities that contribute to a successful sex life are the same ones that contribute to a successful interpersonal relationship. Qualities like love, commitment and communication.
Consider love. As popular speaker and author Josh McDowell points out, those romantic words, "I love you," can be interpreted several different ways. One meaning is "I love you if -- if you go out with me...if you are lighthearted...if you sleep with me." Another meaning is "I love you because -- because you are attractive...strong…....ntelligent." Both types of love must be earned.
The best kind of love is unconditional. It says, "I love you, period. I love you even if someone better looking comes along, even if you change, even if you have zoo breath in the morning. I place your needs above my own."
One young engaged couple had popularity, intelligence, good looks and athletic success that seemed to portend a bright future. Then the young woman suffered a skiing accident that left her paralyzed for life. Her fiancé deserted her.
Portrayed in the popular film, The Other Side of the Mountain, this true story was certainly complex. But was his love for her "love, period"? Or was it love "if" or love "because"? Unconditional love (or "less-conditional" because none of us is perfect) is an essential building block for a lasting relationship.
Unconditional love with caring and acceptance can help a sexual relationship in a marriage. Sex, viewed in this manner, becomes not a self-centered performance but a significant expression of mutual love.
Commitment is also important for a strong relationship and fulfilling sex. Without mutual commitment, neither partner will be able to have the maximum confidence that the relationship is secure.
Good communication is essential. If a problem arises, couples need to talk it out and forgive rather than stew in their juices. As one sociology professor expressed it, "Sexual foreplay involves the 'round-the-clock relationship."
Why Wait?
After I'd spoken in a human sexuality class at Arizona State University, one student said, "You're talking about sex within marriage. What about premarital sex?" He was right. I was saying that sexual intercourse is designed to work best in a happy marriage, and I was recommending waiting until marriage before experiencing sex.
This view is, of course, very controversial. You may agree with me. Or you may think I am from another planet, and I respect your right to feel that way.
Here's why I waited.
According to the perspective I represent, the biblical God clearly says to wait (1 Corinthians 6:18; 1 Thessalonians 4:3). Some people think that God wants to make them miserable. Actually, he loves us and wants the best for us.
There are practical reasons for waiting.
- Premarital sex can detract from a strong relationship and a fulfilling love life. Too often, it's merely a self-gratifying experience. After intercourse, one partner might be saying, "I love you" while the other is thinking, "I love it."
- Premarital sex often lacks total, permanent commitment. This can create insecurity. For instance, while the couple is unmarried, the nagging thought can persist, "If she/he's slept with me, who else have they slept with?" After they marry, one might think, "If they were willing to break a standard with me before we married, will they with another after we marry?" Doubt can chip away at their relationship.
- Premarital sex can also inhibit communication. Each might wonder, "How do I compare with my lover's other partners? Does she/he tell them how I perform in bed?" Each may become less open; communication can deteriorate and so can the relationship.
- Premarital sex can lessen people's chances to experience maximum oneness and pleasure. "I really like what you said about waiting," said a recently married young woman after a lecture at Sydney University in Australia. "My fiancé and I had to make the decision, and we decided to wait." (Each had been sexually active in other previous relationships.) "With all the other tensions, decisions and stress of engagement, sex would have been just another worry. Waiting till our marriage before we had sex was the best decision we ever made."
Continue to page 2 >> Digging to the deeper dimension of sex: How do sex and spirituality mix? >> 1.2
This article is adapted with permission from Rusty Wright, "Cool Stuff About Love and Sex," The Plain Truth, January/February 2004, pp. 17-19. © 2004 Rusty Wright.
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