"A fulfilling love life. How can I have one? How can I get the most out of sex?" University students worldwide ask these questions. Why? Because both pleasure and emotional fulfillment are important facets of sex.
Sex is often on our minds. According to two psychologists at the universities of Vermont and South Carolina, 95% of people think about sex at least once each day.(1) You might wonder, "You mean that 5% of the people don't?!"
One way not to have a dynamic sex life is to concentrate solely on technique. There is certainly nothing wrong with learning sexual technique -- especially the basics -- but technique by itself is not the answer.
A good relationship is important for good sex. Psychiatrist and bestselling author Anthony Pietropinto and coauthor Jacqueline Simenauer write, "When emotional issues involving anger or a need to control are encountered on the road to sexual fulfillment, the journey is interrupted until these conflicts are resolved."(2)
Many sex therapists agree that great technique does not guarantee great sex. They emphasize that the qualities that contribute to a successful sex life are the same ones that contribute to a successful interpersonal relationship. Qualities like love, commitment and communication.
Consider love. As popular speaker and author Josh McDowell points out, those romantic words, "I love you," can be interpreted several different ways. One meaning is "I love you if -- if you go out with me...if you are lighthearted...if you stay committed to me...if you sleep with me." This type of love is given on the basis of what the other person does. Another meaning is "I love you because -- because you are attractive... strong... intelligent." This type of love is given on the basis of what the other person is. Both types of love must be earned.
There is nothing wrong with wanting to be loved for what you are, but problems can arise with having "if" or "because of" love as the basis of a relationship. Jealousy can set in when someone who is more attractive or more intelligent appears and the partner's attention shifts to the newcomer. People who know they are loved only for their strong points may be afraid to admit any weaknesses to their partners. This dishonesty can affect the relationship.
The Best Love
The best kind of love is unconditional. This love says, "I love you, period. I love you even if someone better looking comes along, even with your faults and even if you change. I place your needs above my own."
One young couple was engaged to be married. Their popularity, intelligence, good looks and athletic success made their future together seem bright. Then the young woman was in a skiing accident that left her paralyzed for life. Her fiancé deserted her.
Portrayed in the popular film, "The Other Side of the Mountain," this true story was certainly complex. But was his love for her "love, period"? Or was it love "if" or love "because of"?
Unconditional love (or "less-conditional," because none of us is perfect) is an essential building block for a lasting relationship.
You can probably see how unconditional love can help a sexual relationship in a marriage. In order for sex to be most fulfilling, it should be experienced in an atmosphere of caring and acceptance. Sex, viewed in this manner, becomes not a self-centered performance but a significant expression of mutual love.
Mutual Commitment
Another quality necessary for a strong relationship and dynamic sex is commitment. If two people are completely committed to each other, their relationship is strengthened. Without mutual commitment, neither will be able to have the maximum confidence that the relationship is secure. The fear may exist that, should they encounter a trial, the other may not be there for support. This can erode their bond.
Total, permanent commitment is important in sex, too. It brings security to each partner. It frees them from feeling they have to strive to keep from losing the other and releases them to enjoy one another. It can be an important result of and expression of unconditional love. Commitment helps to breed satisfaction.
Communication
A third quality essential for a strong relationship and dynamic sex is communication. Even if partners have mutual love and commitment, they need to communicate this to each other by what they say and do. If a problem arises, they need to talk it out and forgive rather than give each other the silent treatment and stew in their juices. As one sociology professor expressed it, "Sexual foreplay involves the 'round-the-clock relationship." Communication affects your total life; your total life affects sex. Couples need to communicate about their hopes, dreams, fears and hurts as well as the daily details of life in order for the relationship to flourish.
Sex is a form of communication. You can bet that if partners are harboring resentment or not communicating appropriately, it shows in their sex life. Psychologists, sex researchers and textbook authors Albert Richard Allgeier and Elizabeth Rice Allgeier note that "a substantial number of sexual problems could be resolved if people felt free to communicate with their sexual partners...about their sexual feelings...."(3)
So, how can you have a dynamic sex life? By developing the same qualities that contribute to a strong relationship: unconditional love, total and permanent commitment and clear, meaningful communication. These qualities combine to help produce a maximum oneness and bring the greatest pleasure.
To this point we've been saying that sex is designed to work best within a happy marriage.
continue to page 2: But what about premarital sex? A very controversial topic indeed...>> 1.2.3
Copyright Rusty Wright. Used with permission of author.
Related reading:
